An Epic (ly bad) Performance

It’s an annual occurrence akin to the spawning of the salmon, the tortoise migration to the Galapagos islands, or Yankees fans coming out of the woodwork when the team makes the playoffs and saying they are “die-hards” – it’s the full-timers vs. part-timers softball game at MCU Park.  Duke vs. North Carolina, Mets vs. Phillies, Ohio State vs. Michigan….they have nothing on this rivalry.  Imagine if you will, working 60 hours a week for minimum wage and being staked with all of the monotonous tasks that your superiors just won’t want to do but having to take it all in stride because well… you are an intern and therefore are at the bottom of the food chain.  But on softball day the interns get their chance to blow off steam and take out their months of frustration on their supervisors…in theory.

Why in theory?  Because for the first time in the history of slow pitch softball there was a shutout.  No, seriously it happened.  The full-time staff , led by starting pitcher Steve Cohen and his blazing fastball kept the interns off balance.  Just to recap, in case you may have misread the previous sentence, in a nine-inning game of slow pitch softball a group of 20 something’s failed to score a single run off of a pitcher whose likeness was captured in this artist’s rendering.

Here is a quick run down of things that have happened since the last time there was a shutout in slow pitch softball: 

The universe was created (The Big Bang)

Dinosaurs roamed the earth

Dinosaurs Died

Dinosaurs Came Back to Life

Well, you get the point.  But bluntly, it was pathetic.  The intern squad has as many hits as LFO (don’t act like you don’t remember that song.

Now here are some highlights of the game:

OFFENSIVE PLAYER OF THE GAME:  Ricky “Crazy Legs” Viola.  In previous blog entries, Ricky waxed poetic about his lightning quick speed.  On Monday afternoon we all saw, what he already knew…he is the fastest man alive.  Ricky, everyone’s favorite POP Wednesday salesman, was the table setter for the full-timers legging out a pair of triples each time scoring or driving in a run.  He was mocked for his defensive shortcomings in the field but without his gazelle like speed…nay, gazelles wish they were as fast as Ricky Viola…who knows what the outcome would have been (okay, we still would have won, they scored no runs)

NEAR DISASTEROUS MOMENT:  So I was playing third base and there was a pop up into foul territory on the third base side.  Now we were playing on the back field, not on the MCU Park field, so foul territory is limited to say the least.  As I drifted over in foul territory I ran pretty much full speed into the dug out fence.  It pretty much looked just like this.

PLAY OF THE GAME:  The Interns lone scoring opportunity came in the fifth inning but thanks to Ian “The Rifleman” McFate and Randy “You Shall Not Pass” Lauwasser the interns were rebuffed.  With two outs and a runner on second base there was a bloop single to right field that Ian collected after a diving attempt by Josh Mevorach came up just short, and fired a laser beam to the plate where Randy was waiting and blocked the plate perfectly while slapping the tag a la Ivan Rodriguez.

BEST PERFORMANCE UNDER PRESSURE:  “Fanny Alexander” Gary Perone.  Replacing a legend is never easy.  Replacing a guy who thinks he’s a legend, and is still haunting you with smack talk months after leaving the Cyclones is even tougher.  Gary performed admirably at shortstop in place of Dave Campanaro, who used to roam the blogosphere as well as shortstop for the full timers, playing a flawless game at short.  But in typical blog style we can’t let Gary feel good about himself.  So prior to  the game when Dave was made aware of Gary stepping into his role as shortstop, he commented that it was like when Manny Alexander took over for Cal Ripken…but only if Manny Alexander was 5 feet tall, had a bubble butt and jimmy dean sausages for fingers.

BEST 0’FER:  Well not really for him, but the rest of us truly enjoyed it.  Chris, better known as Texas, talked more smack than “The U” in the 80s prior to the game, but following an 0’fer and an error or two at shortstop Texas spoke about as much as the beloved longhorn mascot Bevo.   

SHOCK AND AW-FUL:  Ryan, who is a frequent contributor to BC.com, was a close second when it came time to voting for an MVP for the full-timers.  He only lost out to Ricky because, well, he played for the intern team.  Ryan looked like the only baseball he had ever played before was on Playstation.  Some of us actually questioned if perhaps he was allergic to the material that the softball was made out because he seemed to avoid the ball at all costs.  Balls hit shallow, he went back on, balls hit deep he charged…it just didn’t make sense.  Although he was the best dressed player on the field by far - representing with his STJ Swag even down to his red socks - it couldn't hide the giant E that followed him everywhere he went.