Monday, February 2, 2009

Solving Problems, One Mini Plan at a Time

I have a certain routine when I come into the office every morning: Head directly into the kitchen, grab a cup of coffee, say “hi” to Ricky, listen and nod as he pontificates on disturbing topics, and then head back to the Ticket Office. While waiting for the caffeine to kick in from said cup of coffee (and for my brain to scrub itself from said conversation with Ricky), I devote a few minutes of my morning to reading advice columns. This includes Dear Abby, Annie’s Mailbox, Dear Margo, etc. It’s a weird habit, but I like reading about other people’s enormous problems, knowing there’s a solution that can be outlined in a paragraph or two.

Now, with Mini Plans on sale and a plethora of new kinds of plans available, I like to think that the Brooklyn Cyclones contribute to solving the world’s woes.

Here’s how my very own personal advice column would go:

Dear Cyclones Ticket Office,

I got laid off from my job and have had to drastically slash our family’s entertainment budget. I don’t want to deprive my children, but how can we continue to have regular family outings without dipping into their college tuitions?

- Penny Pincher

Dear PP,

We’re glad you asked. The Brooklyn Cyclones offer a new Mini Plan called the Grub Club Plan: 5 games, plus free food. Each member of your family gets a hot dog, soft drink, chips & ice cream, every game. You can look forward to five family outings, at the cost of $75 per person. With the money you save, you’ll be able to put off looking for another job for at least eight more months.

- The T.O.

Dear Cyclones Ticket Office,

I know I should be grateful that I’m still gainfully employed, but my job involves staring at a spreadsheet all day and making numbers add up correctly. I feel myself falling into a deep depression, dreading each work week. And it gets worse in the summer when the sun is shining outside. What should I do to keep my motivation going?

- Working Doldrums

Dear WD,

We’re glad you asked. We have a new mini plan called the Hump Day Plan, with most of the games placed strategically in the middle of the work week. Then, you’ll know that your Wednesdays will end with baseball, a party atmosphere, and fun, attractive people (us). Soon, you’ll start looking forward to the end of the weekends and the start of the work week. Of course then, you can always pair your Hump Day Plan with our Weekend Plan.

- The T.O.

Dear Cyclones Ticket Office,

I’m an NYU law student with no money. I owe my bank $150,000 in student loans, and my friends don’t seem to understand that I can’t afford to drop endless amounts of cash on a night out in the city. This means I’m also losing friends. How do I have a social life without sacrificing tuition/rent money?

- Broke and Friendless

Dear BAF,

We’re glad you asked. #1) If you want to restock your supply of friends, join the Brooklyn Cyclones Facebook Fan Page. We’re here for you. #2) We have a new We Win, You Win Plan. It’s only $45, you get 3 games guaranteed, and a potential 3 games FREE. That’s $45 for a potential six nights out having fun. What does $45 get you in the city? The cover charge and a cocktail? We thought so.

- The T.O.

Dear Cyclones Ticket Office,

My dad is in jail for extortion. My mother has a gambling habit and relies on me to help pay her bills. My husband has left me for my best friend. My sixteen-year-old son has been expelled from school, and I can’t rein in his behavior. I find myself in a dark tunnel with no light at the end. What should I do?

-At The End Of My Rope


We have a Fireworks Plan to light up your life! Fireworks always make people feel better. Also, this plan includes our Baracklyn Cyclones Night, a tribute to our new President Obama, who made a campaign promise of hope (and it sounds like you could use a little hope right now)! Problems solved. You’re welcome.

- The T.O.

See? That was easy! There's nothing too big or too bad for a Mini Plan to handle! Brooklyn Baseball: Saving the world one life at a time!

-- Joyce

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